Capital Fund Screenplay Competition's Hot 100 for 2016 (#52)
Quarterfinalist, Screencraft Screenwriting Fellowship 2022
Quarterfinalist, Filmmatic Comedy Screenplay Awards, Season 7
Fall 2021: Another re-write complete
Logline:
A silver-spooned millennial is forced out of his luxurious lifestyle, after his frustrated parents lock up the family home and leave town. Travis must navigate reality outside the mansion with help from a familiar working class couple.
Synopsis:
We meet Travis Kingsley at his birth, a happy baby, for the first six months of his life. Then, his constant crying exhausts his parents, until his mother takes a silver spoon from her spoon collection and hands it to Travis, which calms him down.
Cut to twenty-four years later and Mr. and Mrs. Kingsley have been in therapy for years, trying to deal with Travis' entitlement issues. Their colorful therapist, with a calm Austrian accent that turns German when he's angry, helps them identify the silver spoon as the issue. They replaced the silver spoon with stuff, to keep Travis happy. Over the years, Travis' parents gently encouraged him to become a productive member of society. Their gentleness fell on deaf ears and they had to take their therapist's idea of taking Travis out of his comfort zone. Mr. Kingsley determined the best thing to do would be to lock up the mansion and leave town. Imagine Travis' surprise, the morning he returns from a night of partying.
He immediately sought shelter at his girlfriend Stella's house. She's a nurse who lives with her Grandmother, who's definitely not grandmotherly. Her unabashed rage, paranoid schizophrenia, Tourette's Syndrome and shell shock has gotten her kicked out of several nursing homes. Stella is happy to provide her grandmother a home, who might otherwise not have one. It got her thinking about ways to help the homeless.
Due to an inadvertent wrong name drop during intimacy Travis finds himself on the receiving end of an angry Stella, dressed as an overtly sexy nurse. He runs from her house, a scantily clad soldier wearing dog tags, a camouflaged loin cloth and boots.
With nowhere else to go, Travis breaks back into the dark mansion, tripping a silent alarm. He is shocked to discover all his belongings gone. The responding police officer hauls Travis off to jail. Chazz, his hard working best friend, bails him out of jail. Travis insists that Chazz drive him downtown to his father's office, Kingsley Capital. The location of his father's business would be the extent of Travis' knowledge on that. Not surprisingly that office was cleared out, the Receptionist and the Intern in the lobby of the building wouldn't provide Travis with anymore information.
With nowhere else to go, Travis assumes he can live with Chazz, but it's not Chazz he has to convince, it's Imelda, Chazz's hard working girlfriend. She despises Travis because he's a bad influence on Chazz's work ethic, always taking him to a popular nightclub. Chazz manages a delicate balancing act between his best friend and his girlfriend. That act continues when Imelda begrudgingly allows Travis to live with them, setting down a series of rules, among them, Travis is to get a job, his first ever.
His lackadaisical approach to job hunting leads Chazz to suggest to Imelda that they help him get a job by teaching him about resumes and interview skills. The living arrangement between them provides much comic fodder and a dose of reality. Travis runs up their food bill, overhearing this, Travis is despondent. He drowns his broke sorrows with seltzer at the nightclub he frequents. The Bartender gives him a money making lead, a sperm bank. With that money, Travis replenishes the food and cooks them a delicious meal. Travis learned to cook by watching his mother.
Things go awry again, when Travis says in Imelda's company that he'll be able to pay Chazz back for bailing him out of jail. Chazz did not tell her about that. This causes strife in their relationship, Imelda kicks Chazz out of their bedroom. Chazz kicks Travis out of the guest room and onto the couch. Imelda searches the browser history on her computer and sees the types of jobs Travis has been applying to, brew master, video game tester, race car driver and the New York Yankees. Realizing he's learned nothing, Imelda kicks Travis out in grand fashion.
Briefly homeless and sprawled out on a park bench, Travis sees people who have been homeless for a while. He is approached by Guy, a retired military man who specialized in covert operations, hired by Mr. and Mrs. Kingsley to keep an eye on Travis. Guy offers some words of encouragement and a tip on finding shelter, a local motel that keeps unoccupied rooms unlocked. Travis is concerned because that is stealing. Guy insists it's borrowing. With no other option, Travis heads for the motel. Unbeknownst to Travis, Guy orders a room for him.
Now desperately in need of money, Travis applies to be a dishwasher at the restaurant where Chazz and Imelda work, he remembers Chazz saying they needed a dishwasher. The Manager who doesn't like to interview people, hires Travis who manages to say the right thing during a brief interview. Chazz is happy to see Travis working, they both eagerly await Imelda's angry reaction to once again being in Travis' orbit. Surprisingly though, she is also happy, because he is working, she doesn't care where.
Mr. and Mrs. Kingsley return just after ninety days surprising Travis at a table in the restaurant. A heartfelt conversation occurs between him and his parents. By now Travis has learned the lessons they tried to teach him, independence and work ethic. He takes Mr. Kingsley up on his offer from long ago to come to the office and see what he does for a living, he owns Kingsley Capital. Travis takes a job in the mail room under the Intern he met in the lobby. Remembering his brief homeless experience, Travis convinces his father to invest in helping the homeless by buying the motel Travis stayed at and converting it into a homeless shelter.
The new Travis seeks to mend his relationship with Stella, who has followed Travis' progression. With Mr. Kingsley's approval, he offers her a job as nurse at the new homeless shelter. They kiss and though not stated, the assumption is they live happily ever after.
SCRIPT REVIEW
WE SCREENPLAY: Screenwriting Contest: December 13, 2021
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY C o m e d y F e a t u r e 1 1 0 P a g e s by James M. Denton
We Screenplay proudly uses Coverfly, an online platform that connects writers, readers, and the industry.
WHAT IS ONE TOP ASPECT OF THE SCRIPT THAT IS REALLY WORKING?
Concept HIGHLIGHTED STRENGTH While at first glance the premise may come across as simple and straightforward as we follow a spoiled and self-entitled man forced to learn how to live without his family’s wealth and privilege, “Life is Not Always Easy” brings a nuanced and endearing character-driven story that is fueled by our protagonist and his emotional journey of learning to take life seriously through hard work and effort. The writer does a solid job of immersing the reader into Travis’s life as we get to see his inception and how exactly he became the way he is with the whole cheeky “silver spoon” moment.
The opener quickly gets us into the story and establishes the key elements of Travis’s upbringing and his parents’ desire to help Travis through some tough love. The objective and conflict are clear as it helps keep the story moving with a sense of direction and purpose, and the themes the feature resonates with are things that any reader can get behind. Moments like Travis hilariously “working” at the sperm bank to the constant conflict created with having Chazz, Travis, and Imelda living under one roof, the writer showcases their unique voice well.
WHAT IS ONE ASPECT OF THE SCRIPT THAT COULD BE FURTHER DEVELOPED OR CLARIFIED? Structure AREA OF POTENTIAL IMPROVEMENT
Where there is room for improvement is in the feature’s structure and plot as though we do a good job of establishing the status quo of our concept, there is a clear lack of tension and urgency to truly keep readers engaged and invested throughout. Even though we have plenty of conflict, there’s not enough weight behind it because the stakes aren’t palpable for Travis in terms of what he stands to lose. We bring him down to rock bottom when his parents cut him off but the safety net of having Chazz really makes it hard for him to truly fail and feel the pressure of having nothing and no skills to back it up. I know we separate them near the end and then Travis finally takes some initiative and gets a job but we need more of this earlier on as the more adversity Travis overcomes throughout the story, the more rewarding and satisfying his character growth will be at the end. Don’t be afraid to pile on the obstacles and conflict as perhaps his stakes can be his status and reputation because now without the money, no one treats him the same except for his close friend in Chazz. Anything to help create a stronger sense of tension and variety with Travis’s objective as it can sometimes feel like we’re replaying the same moments with Chazz and Imelda trying to help Travis but Travis looking for the easy way out.
Another big thing is Travis and Stella’s relationship as the way it falls apart because of Stacy felt rather contrived because Stacy shows up for one scene and only for this sole purpose. Let Travis be more of a player and due to his spoiled and entitled nature, he doesn’t take blame or fault for women throwing themselves at him. He uses excuses and Stella is tired of hearing them so she kicks him out. Making this whole plot point more organic and natural will go a long way in helping the story.
FINAL THOUGHTS The potential is here with the concept and writer’s voice leading the way as we have a decent foundation to work off of; however, we can tighten up the plot and structure by injecting more tension and stakes while also hammering out Stella and Travis’s relationship in order to really push this piece over the top.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCRIPT REVIEW
On February 6, 2016, I entered "Life Is Not Always Easy" in to the Nashville Live Read Screenplay Competition. Below is the contest evaluation.
Log line/Synopsis:
After twenty-four years of spoiling and coddling, a wealthy couple cuts off their son in a desperate attempt to force him in to responsible adulthood.
Score: 1
100 out of 150
Feedback:
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY is a uniquely comedic script with a solid premise. Travis is a peculiar, interesting character with many negative qualities - selfish and spoiled, primarily - though he's presented with such a genuine, child-like naivete ( ny eve a tay) that it makes it impossible for the audience to dislike him. He's truly a result of his upbringing; we believe that it's not his fault he's this way, and at his core, he's actually very responsible. That being said, Travis's unwillingness to take charge of his life means the high stakes situations he's put in over the course of the story never seem to have much of an effect on him. We see his external struggles, but his internal struggles are slim to none. Simply put, he reads like a sociopath. Something to keep in mind is that even if Travis wants to take charge of his life and be responsible, his upbringing would suggest that he doesn't actually know what that means. Therefore, in terms of his character arc, consider incorporating more of his internal struggles over the course of the story - learning about responsibility, repercussions for his actions, and so on.
Although the script is brimming with comic moments, the story structure is loose and the pace lags. This is due in large part to the protagonist's characterizations as mentioned above. Character aside, there are also a lot of scenes that are uniquely comedic but they repeat previous plot points.
The descriptions are clearly stated but lack voice. When revising, consider minor alterations that will accompany the tone of the script. On that note, the tone is very strong and presented well through most of the dialogue - though about a quarter of the lines are too on-the-nose. Formatting needs work.
Premise - 7
Characterization - 6
Conflict - 6
Structure - 6
Dialogue - 8
Pacing - 6
Theme - 5
Tone - 9
Story/Plot Points - 6
Catharsis - 6
Voice/Originality - 7
Commercial Appeal - 7
Current Market Potential - 7
Casting Potential - 8
Format - 6
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCRIPT REVIEW
In the spring of 2015, I submitted my original comedy script "Life Is Not Always Easy" to the Pannon Entertainment Script Search screen writing competition and got some excellent feedback, Here are the comments in their entirety.
Logline
"When a silver-spooned, over-privileged 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets."
Locations:
Hospital, Mansion, Therapist Office, Nightclub, Gas Station, Diner, Prison, Apartment Building, Sperm Bank, Health Club, House & Restaurant.
Script Reader Notes
A witty and engaging screwball comedy with a perfectly comedic conceit that finds itself adequately character-driven if not slightly too linear.
Scale 1 – 10
1 the lowest and 10 the highest scoring
Concept
A great fish out of water conceit that resurrects memories of young Adam Sandler films of the 90's. Also, it ingeniously capitalizes on the 99 vs. 1% Occupy Wall Street movements and zeitgeist that has pervaded American society over the past few years. Score: 9
Plot
While the plot was well conceived in terms of the downward spiral and eventual resurrection of its protagonist, the story felt slightly too linear in its storytelling and lacked any truly substantive subplots that would help to make the script feel a little bit broader in scope. What might be missing, as well, is a more clearly defined goal for the protagonist to be chasing after throughout the script. Score: 8
Pacing
While the scenes were written with a fast paced read in mind, even intercutting dream sequences that kept the reader on their toes… some sequences went on a bit too long (e.g., the intern chase sequence) and devolved into an absurdist comedy that, since not prevalent throughout the script, gave the read a slightly choppy feel at times. Working in some deeper, genuinely dramatic moments might allow the comedy some room to breathe and a stronger foundation in character. Score: 8
Characters
Bordering on absurdist, the characters seemed to lack enough real moments to truly connect to them. Additionally, the script seemed to lack a real antagonist that would help to create obstacles and conflict with the protagonist. Score: 7
Dialogue
Witty dialogue with characters imbued with their own voices helped to make this script move at an easy and engaging clip. Score: 9
Writing Style
Though at times filled with some overly large blocks of narrative, as a whole, the narrative was imbued with wit and charm that helped the script’s read fly by and complimented the comedic tone of the plot. Score: 8
Originality
An original plot with original characters which, cumulatively, culminated in an originally comedic tone. Score: 8
Marketability
Witty original comedies always have potential box office draw. Certainly geared towards lovers of early Adam Sandler-esque comedies, this script is clearly set to reach late teens/ 20- something audiences. Score: 8
Adherence to Company Request
A witty comedy driven by an eccentrically quirky, overprivileged protagonist thrust into the real world certainly fits the bill for “characters with unique personalities” and “unusual characters placed into a very familiar world”. Score: 9
83 out of 100
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quarterfinalist, Screencraft Screenwriting Fellowship 2022
Quarterfinalist, Filmmatic Comedy Screenplay Awards, Season 7
Fall 2021: Another re-write complete
Logline:
A silver-spooned millennial is forced out of his luxurious lifestyle, after his frustrated parents lock up the family home and leave town. Travis must navigate reality outside the mansion with help from a familiar working class couple.
Synopsis:
We meet Travis Kingsley at his birth, a happy baby, for the first six months of his life. Then, his constant crying exhausts his parents, until his mother takes a silver spoon from her spoon collection and hands it to Travis, which calms him down.
Cut to twenty-four years later and Mr. and Mrs. Kingsley have been in therapy for years, trying to deal with Travis' entitlement issues. Their colorful therapist, with a calm Austrian accent that turns German when he's angry, helps them identify the silver spoon as the issue. They replaced the silver spoon with stuff, to keep Travis happy. Over the years, Travis' parents gently encouraged him to become a productive member of society. Their gentleness fell on deaf ears and they had to take their therapist's idea of taking Travis out of his comfort zone. Mr. Kingsley determined the best thing to do would be to lock up the mansion and leave town. Imagine Travis' surprise, the morning he returns from a night of partying.
He immediately sought shelter at his girlfriend Stella's house. She's a nurse who lives with her Grandmother, who's definitely not grandmotherly. Her unabashed rage, paranoid schizophrenia, Tourette's Syndrome and shell shock has gotten her kicked out of several nursing homes. Stella is happy to provide her grandmother a home, who might otherwise not have one. It got her thinking about ways to help the homeless.
Due to an inadvertent wrong name drop during intimacy Travis finds himself on the receiving end of an angry Stella, dressed as an overtly sexy nurse. He runs from her house, a scantily clad soldier wearing dog tags, a camouflaged loin cloth and boots.
With nowhere else to go, Travis breaks back into the dark mansion, tripping a silent alarm. He is shocked to discover all his belongings gone. The responding police officer hauls Travis off to jail. Chazz, his hard working best friend, bails him out of jail. Travis insists that Chazz drive him downtown to his father's office, Kingsley Capital. The location of his father's business would be the extent of Travis' knowledge on that. Not surprisingly that office was cleared out, the Receptionist and the Intern in the lobby of the building wouldn't provide Travis with anymore information.
With nowhere else to go, Travis assumes he can live with Chazz, but it's not Chazz he has to convince, it's Imelda, Chazz's hard working girlfriend. She despises Travis because he's a bad influence on Chazz's work ethic, always taking him to a popular nightclub. Chazz manages a delicate balancing act between his best friend and his girlfriend. That act continues when Imelda begrudgingly allows Travis to live with them, setting down a series of rules, among them, Travis is to get a job, his first ever.
His lackadaisical approach to job hunting leads Chazz to suggest to Imelda that they help him get a job by teaching him about resumes and interview skills. The living arrangement between them provides much comic fodder and a dose of reality. Travis runs up their food bill, overhearing this, Travis is despondent. He drowns his broke sorrows with seltzer at the nightclub he frequents. The Bartender gives him a money making lead, a sperm bank. With that money, Travis replenishes the food and cooks them a delicious meal. Travis learned to cook by watching his mother.
Things go awry again, when Travis says in Imelda's company that he'll be able to pay Chazz back for bailing him out of jail. Chazz did not tell her about that. This causes strife in their relationship, Imelda kicks Chazz out of their bedroom. Chazz kicks Travis out of the guest room and onto the couch. Imelda searches the browser history on her computer and sees the types of jobs Travis has been applying to, brew master, video game tester, race car driver and the New York Yankees. Realizing he's learned nothing, Imelda kicks Travis out in grand fashion.
Briefly homeless and sprawled out on a park bench, Travis sees people who have been homeless for a while. He is approached by Guy, a retired military man who specialized in covert operations, hired by Mr. and Mrs. Kingsley to keep an eye on Travis. Guy offers some words of encouragement and a tip on finding shelter, a local motel that keeps unoccupied rooms unlocked. Travis is concerned because that is stealing. Guy insists it's borrowing. With no other option, Travis heads for the motel. Unbeknownst to Travis, Guy orders a room for him.
Now desperately in need of money, Travis applies to be a dishwasher at the restaurant where Chazz and Imelda work, he remembers Chazz saying they needed a dishwasher. The Manager who doesn't like to interview people, hires Travis who manages to say the right thing during a brief interview. Chazz is happy to see Travis working, they both eagerly await Imelda's angry reaction to once again being in Travis' orbit. Surprisingly though, she is also happy, because he is working, she doesn't care where.
Mr. and Mrs. Kingsley return just after ninety days surprising Travis at a table in the restaurant. A heartfelt conversation occurs between him and his parents. By now Travis has learned the lessons they tried to teach him, independence and work ethic. He takes Mr. Kingsley up on his offer from long ago to come to the office and see what he does for a living, he owns Kingsley Capital. Travis takes a job in the mail room under the Intern he met in the lobby. Remembering his brief homeless experience, Travis convinces his father to invest in helping the homeless by buying the motel Travis stayed at and converting it into a homeless shelter.
The new Travis seeks to mend his relationship with Stella, who has followed Travis' progression. With Mr. Kingsley's approval, he offers her a job as nurse at the new homeless shelter. They kiss and though not stated, the assumption is they live happily ever after.
SCRIPT REVIEW
WE SCREENPLAY: Screenwriting Contest: December 13, 2021
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY C o m e d y F e a t u r e 1 1 0 P a g e s by James M. Denton
We Screenplay proudly uses Coverfly, an online platform that connects writers, readers, and the industry.
WHAT IS ONE TOP ASPECT OF THE SCRIPT THAT IS REALLY WORKING?
Concept HIGHLIGHTED STRENGTH While at first glance the premise may come across as simple and straightforward as we follow a spoiled and self-entitled man forced to learn how to live without his family’s wealth and privilege, “Life is Not Always Easy” brings a nuanced and endearing character-driven story that is fueled by our protagonist and his emotional journey of learning to take life seriously through hard work and effort. The writer does a solid job of immersing the reader into Travis’s life as we get to see his inception and how exactly he became the way he is with the whole cheeky “silver spoon” moment.
The opener quickly gets us into the story and establishes the key elements of Travis’s upbringing and his parents’ desire to help Travis through some tough love. The objective and conflict are clear as it helps keep the story moving with a sense of direction and purpose, and the themes the feature resonates with are things that any reader can get behind. Moments like Travis hilariously “working” at the sperm bank to the constant conflict created with having Chazz, Travis, and Imelda living under one roof, the writer showcases their unique voice well.
WHAT IS ONE ASPECT OF THE SCRIPT THAT COULD BE FURTHER DEVELOPED OR CLARIFIED? Structure AREA OF POTENTIAL IMPROVEMENT
Where there is room for improvement is in the feature’s structure and plot as though we do a good job of establishing the status quo of our concept, there is a clear lack of tension and urgency to truly keep readers engaged and invested throughout. Even though we have plenty of conflict, there’s not enough weight behind it because the stakes aren’t palpable for Travis in terms of what he stands to lose. We bring him down to rock bottom when his parents cut him off but the safety net of having Chazz really makes it hard for him to truly fail and feel the pressure of having nothing and no skills to back it up. I know we separate them near the end and then Travis finally takes some initiative and gets a job but we need more of this earlier on as the more adversity Travis overcomes throughout the story, the more rewarding and satisfying his character growth will be at the end. Don’t be afraid to pile on the obstacles and conflict as perhaps his stakes can be his status and reputation because now without the money, no one treats him the same except for his close friend in Chazz. Anything to help create a stronger sense of tension and variety with Travis’s objective as it can sometimes feel like we’re replaying the same moments with Chazz and Imelda trying to help Travis but Travis looking for the easy way out.
Another big thing is Travis and Stella’s relationship as the way it falls apart because of Stacy felt rather contrived because Stacy shows up for one scene and only for this sole purpose. Let Travis be more of a player and due to his spoiled and entitled nature, he doesn’t take blame or fault for women throwing themselves at him. He uses excuses and Stella is tired of hearing them so she kicks him out. Making this whole plot point more organic and natural will go a long way in helping the story.
FINAL THOUGHTS The potential is here with the concept and writer’s voice leading the way as we have a decent foundation to work off of; however, we can tighten up the plot and structure by injecting more tension and stakes while also hammering out Stella and Travis’s relationship in order to really push this piece over the top.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCRIPT REVIEW
On February 6, 2016, I entered "Life Is Not Always Easy" in to the Nashville Live Read Screenplay Competition. Below is the contest evaluation.
Log line/Synopsis:
After twenty-four years of spoiling and coddling, a wealthy couple cuts off their son in a desperate attempt to force him in to responsible adulthood.
Score: 1
100 out of 150
Feedback:
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY is a uniquely comedic script with a solid premise. Travis is a peculiar, interesting character with many negative qualities - selfish and spoiled, primarily - though he's presented with such a genuine, child-like naivete ( ny eve a tay) that it makes it impossible for the audience to dislike him. He's truly a result of his upbringing; we believe that it's not his fault he's this way, and at his core, he's actually very responsible. That being said, Travis's unwillingness to take charge of his life means the high stakes situations he's put in over the course of the story never seem to have much of an effect on him. We see his external struggles, but his internal struggles are slim to none. Simply put, he reads like a sociopath. Something to keep in mind is that even if Travis wants to take charge of his life and be responsible, his upbringing would suggest that he doesn't actually know what that means. Therefore, in terms of his character arc, consider incorporating more of his internal struggles over the course of the story - learning about responsibility, repercussions for his actions, and so on.
Although the script is brimming with comic moments, the story structure is loose and the pace lags. This is due in large part to the protagonist's characterizations as mentioned above. Character aside, there are also a lot of scenes that are uniquely comedic but they repeat previous plot points.
The descriptions are clearly stated but lack voice. When revising, consider minor alterations that will accompany the tone of the script. On that note, the tone is very strong and presented well through most of the dialogue - though about a quarter of the lines are too on-the-nose. Formatting needs work.
Premise - 7
Characterization - 6
Conflict - 6
Structure - 6
Dialogue - 8
Pacing - 6
Theme - 5
Tone - 9
Story/Plot Points - 6
Catharsis - 6
Voice/Originality - 7
Commercial Appeal - 7
Current Market Potential - 7
Casting Potential - 8
Format - 6
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCRIPT REVIEW
In the spring of 2015, I submitted my original comedy script "Life Is Not Always Easy" to the Pannon Entertainment Script Search screen writing competition and got some excellent feedback, Here are the comments in their entirety.
Logline
"When a silver-spooned, over-privileged 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets."
Locations:
Hospital, Mansion, Therapist Office, Nightclub, Gas Station, Diner, Prison, Apartment Building, Sperm Bank, Health Club, House & Restaurant.
Script Reader Notes
A witty and engaging screwball comedy with a perfectly comedic conceit that finds itself adequately character-driven if not slightly too linear.
Scale 1 – 10
1 the lowest and 10 the highest scoring
Concept
A great fish out of water conceit that resurrects memories of young Adam Sandler films of the 90's. Also, it ingeniously capitalizes on the 99 vs. 1% Occupy Wall Street movements and zeitgeist that has pervaded American society over the past few years. Score: 9
Plot
While the plot was well conceived in terms of the downward spiral and eventual resurrection of its protagonist, the story felt slightly too linear in its storytelling and lacked any truly substantive subplots that would help to make the script feel a little bit broader in scope. What might be missing, as well, is a more clearly defined goal for the protagonist to be chasing after throughout the script. Score: 8
Pacing
While the scenes were written with a fast paced read in mind, even intercutting dream sequences that kept the reader on their toes… some sequences went on a bit too long (e.g., the intern chase sequence) and devolved into an absurdist comedy that, since not prevalent throughout the script, gave the read a slightly choppy feel at times. Working in some deeper, genuinely dramatic moments might allow the comedy some room to breathe and a stronger foundation in character. Score: 8
Characters
Bordering on absurdist, the characters seemed to lack enough real moments to truly connect to them. Additionally, the script seemed to lack a real antagonist that would help to create obstacles and conflict with the protagonist. Score: 7
Dialogue
Witty dialogue with characters imbued with their own voices helped to make this script move at an easy and engaging clip. Score: 9
Writing Style
Though at times filled with some overly large blocks of narrative, as a whole, the narrative was imbued with wit and charm that helped the script’s read fly by and complimented the comedic tone of the plot. Score: 8
Originality
An original plot with original characters which, cumulatively, culminated in an originally comedic tone. Score: 8
Marketability
Witty original comedies always have potential box office draw. Certainly geared towards lovers of early Adam Sandler-esque comedies, this script is clearly set to reach late teens/ 20- something audiences. Score: 8
Adherence to Company Request
A witty comedy driven by an eccentrically quirky, overprivileged protagonist thrust into the real world certainly fits the bill for “characters with unique personalities” and “unusual characters placed into a very familiar world”. Score: 9
83 out of 100
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
