***Capital Fund Screenplay Competition's Hot 100 for 2016***
#52
Fall 2021: Another re-write complete
Logline:
When a silver-spooned, over-privileged, 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the harsh realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets.
Synopsis:
After failing to stay at his girlfriend Stella's house, Travis finds shelter with his best friend Chazz, a working class man. That situation would be ideal were it not for Chazz's girlfriend Imelda, a working class woman who resents Travis because he parties too much with Chazz, keeping him from working at the restaurant that employs he and Imelda.
She begrudgingly allows Travis to live with them, laying down strict rules, the most important rule, get a job. In his own way, Travis makes an effort to find a job, but ultimately does not. Chazz suggests that he and Imelda help him get his first job at the age of twenty-four. Imelda agrees, hoping it will get Travis out of their house. Realizing he has to turn his life around, Travis becomes the student.
Unbeknownst to Chazz and Imelda, Travis learns he is driving them into debt. Lamenting that, he is told of an unorthodox way to make some quick cash. With that cash he more than replenishes the food he ate, and cooks them a dinner . During dinner, he unfortunately blurts out a secret Chazz was keeping from Imelda, which puts a strain on their relationship.
Travis finally gets a job at the restaurant. Upon his parents return, he takes his father up on an offer he made to him when he was sixteen. He uses that job to try and win Stella back and help other people.
SCRIPT REVIEW
In the spring of 2015, I submitted my orginal comedy script "Life Is Not Always Easy" to the Pannon Entertainment Script Search screen writing competition and got some excellent feedback, Here are the comments in their entirety.
Logline
"When a silver-spooned, over-privileged 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets."
Locations:
Hospital, Mansion, Therapist Office, Nightclub, Gas Station, Diner, Prison, Apartment Building, Sperm Bank, Health Club, House & Restaurant.
Script Reader Notes
A witty and engaging screwball comedy with a perfectly comedic conceit that finds itself adequately character-driven if not slightly too linear.
Scale 1 – 10
1 the lowest and 10 the highest scoring
Concept
A great fish out of water conceit that resurrects memories of young Adam Sandler films of the 90's. Also, it ingeniously capitalizes on the 99 vs. 1% Occupy Wall Street movements and zeitgeist that has pervaded American society over the past few years. Score: 9
Plot
While the plot was well conceived in terms of the downward spiral and eventual resurrection of its protagonist, the story felt slightly too linear in its storytelling and lacked any truly substantive subplots that would help to make the script feel a little bit broader in scope. What might be missing, as well, is a more clearly defined goal for the protagonist to be chasing after throughout the script. Score: 8
Pacing
While the scenes were written with a fast paced read in mind, even intercutting dream sequences that kept the reader on their toes… some sequences went on a bit too long (e.g., the intern chase sequence) and devolved into an absurdist comedy that, since not prevalent throughout the script, gave the read a slightly choppy feel at times. Working in some deeper, genuinely dramatic moments might allow the comedy some room to breathe and a stronger foundation in character. Score: 8
Characters
Bordering on absurdist, the characters seemed to lack enough real moments to truly connect to them. Additionally, the script seemed to lack a real antagonist that would help to create obstacles and conflict with the protagonist. Score: 7
Dialogue
Witty dialogue with characters imbued with their own voices helped to make this script move at an easy and engaging clip. Score: 9
Writing Style
Though at times filled with some overly large blocks of narrative, as a whole, the narrative was imbued with wit and charm that helped the script’s read fly by and complimented the comedic tone of the plot. Score: 8
Originality
An original plot with original characters which, cumulatively, culminated in an originally comedic tone. Score: 8
Marketability
Witty original comedies always have potential box office draw. Certainly geared towards lovers of early Adam Sandler-esque comedies, this script is clearly set to reach late teens/ 20- something audiences. Score: 8
Adherence to Company Request
A witty comedy driven by an eccentrically quirky, overprivileged protagonist thrust into the real world certainly fits the bill for “characters with unique personalities” and “unusual characters placed into a very familiar world”. Score: 9
83 out of 100
SCRIPT REVIEW
On February 6, 2016, I entered "Life Is Not Always Easy" in to the Nashville Live Read Screenplay Competition. Below is the contest evaluation.
Log line/Synopsis:
After twenty-four years of spoiling and coddling, a wealthy couple cuts off their son in a desperate attempt to force him in to responsible adulthood.
Score: 1
100 out of 150
Feedback:
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY is a uniquely comedic script with a solid premise. Travis is a peculiar, interesting character with many negative qualities - selfish and spoiled, primarily - though he's presented with such a genuine, child-like naivete ( ny eve a tay) that it makes it impossible for the audience to dislike him. He's truly a result of his upbringing; we believe that it's not his fault he's this way, and at his core, he's actually very responsible. That being said, Travis's unwillingness to take charge of his life means the high stakes situations he's put in over the course of the story never seem to have much of an effect on him. We see his external struggles, but his internal struggles are slim to none. Simply put, he reads like a sociopath. Something to keep in mind is that even if Travis wants to take charge of his life and be responsible, his upbringing would suggest that he doesn't actually know what that means. Therefore, in terms of his character arc, consider incorporating more of his internal struggles over the course of the story - learning about responsibility, repercussions for his actions, and so on.
Although the script is brimming with comic moments, the story structure is loose and the pace lags. This is due in large part to the protagonist's characterizations as mentioned above. Character aside, there are also a lot of scenes that are uniquely comedic but they repeat previous plot points.
The decsriptions are clearly stated but lack voice. When revising, consider minor alterations that will accompany the tone of the script. On that note, the tone is very strong and presented well through most of the dialogue - though about a quarter of the lines are too on-the-nose. Formatting needs work.
Premise - 7
Characterization - 6
Conflict - 6
Structure - 6
Dialogue - 8
Pacing - 6
Theme - 5
Tone - 9
Story/Plot Points - 6
Catharsis - 6
Voice/Originality - 7
Commercial Appeal - 7
Current Market Potential - 7
Casting Potential - 8
Format - 6
#52
Fall 2021: Another re-write complete
Logline:
When a silver-spooned, over-privileged, 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the harsh realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets.
Synopsis:
After failing to stay at his girlfriend Stella's house, Travis finds shelter with his best friend Chazz, a working class man. That situation would be ideal were it not for Chazz's girlfriend Imelda, a working class woman who resents Travis because he parties too much with Chazz, keeping him from working at the restaurant that employs he and Imelda.
She begrudgingly allows Travis to live with them, laying down strict rules, the most important rule, get a job. In his own way, Travis makes an effort to find a job, but ultimately does not. Chazz suggests that he and Imelda help him get his first job at the age of twenty-four. Imelda agrees, hoping it will get Travis out of their house. Realizing he has to turn his life around, Travis becomes the student.
Unbeknownst to Chazz and Imelda, Travis learns he is driving them into debt. Lamenting that, he is told of an unorthodox way to make some quick cash. With that cash he more than replenishes the food he ate, and cooks them a dinner . During dinner, he unfortunately blurts out a secret Chazz was keeping from Imelda, which puts a strain on their relationship.
Travis finally gets a job at the restaurant. Upon his parents return, he takes his father up on an offer he made to him when he was sixteen. He uses that job to try and win Stella back and help other people.
SCRIPT REVIEW
In the spring of 2015, I submitted my orginal comedy script "Life Is Not Always Easy" to the Pannon Entertainment Script Search screen writing competition and got some excellent feedback, Here are the comments in their entirety.
Logline
"When a silver-spooned, over-privileged 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets."
Locations:
Hospital, Mansion, Therapist Office, Nightclub, Gas Station, Diner, Prison, Apartment Building, Sperm Bank, Health Club, House & Restaurant.
Script Reader Notes
A witty and engaging screwball comedy with a perfectly comedic conceit that finds itself adequately character-driven if not slightly too linear.
Scale 1 – 10
1 the lowest and 10 the highest scoring
Concept
A great fish out of water conceit that resurrects memories of young Adam Sandler films of the 90's. Also, it ingeniously capitalizes on the 99 vs. 1% Occupy Wall Street movements and zeitgeist that has pervaded American society over the past few years. Score: 9
Plot
While the plot was well conceived in terms of the downward spiral and eventual resurrection of its protagonist, the story felt slightly too linear in its storytelling and lacked any truly substantive subplots that would help to make the script feel a little bit broader in scope. What might be missing, as well, is a more clearly defined goal for the protagonist to be chasing after throughout the script. Score: 8
Pacing
While the scenes were written with a fast paced read in mind, even intercutting dream sequences that kept the reader on their toes… some sequences went on a bit too long (e.g., the intern chase sequence) and devolved into an absurdist comedy that, since not prevalent throughout the script, gave the read a slightly choppy feel at times. Working in some deeper, genuinely dramatic moments might allow the comedy some room to breathe and a stronger foundation in character. Score: 8
Characters
Bordering on absurdist, the characters seemed to lack enough real moments to truly connect to them. Additionally, the script seemed to lack a real antagonist that would help to create obstacles and conflict with the protagonist. Score: 7
Dialogue
Witty dialogue with characters imbued with their own voices helped to make this script move at an easy and engaging clip. Score: 9
Writing Style
Though at times filled with some overly large blocks of narrative, as a whole, the narrative was imbued with wit and charm that helped the script’s read fly by and complimented the comedic tone of the plot. Score: 8
Originality
An original plot with original characters which, cumulatively, culminated in an originally comedic tone. Score: 8
Marketability
Witty original comedies always have potential box office draw. Certainly geared towards lovers of early Adam Sandler-esque comedies, this script is clearly set to reach late teens/ 20- something audiences. Score: 8
Adherence to Company Request
A witty comedy driven by an eccentrically quirky, overprivileged protagonist thrust into the real world certainly fits the bill for “characters with unique personalities” and “unusual characters placed into a very familiar world”. Score: 9
83 out of 100
SCRIPT REVIEW
On February 6, 2016, I entered "Life Is Not Always Easy" in to the Nashville Live Read Screenplay Competition. Below is the contest evaluation.
Log line/Synopsis:
After twenty-four years of spoiling and coddling, a wealthy couple cuts off their son in a desperate attempt to force him in to responsible adulthood.
Score: 1
100 out of 150
Feedback:
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY is a uniquely comedic script with a solid premise. Travis is a peculiar, interesting character with many negative qualities - selfish and spoiled, primarily - though he's presented with such a genuine, child-like naivete ( ny eve a tay) that it makes it impossible for the audience to dislike him. He's truly a result of his upbringing; we believe that it's not his fault he's this way, and at his core, he's actually very responsible. That being said, Travis's unwillingness to take charge of his life means the high stakes situations he's put in over the course of the story never seem to have much of an effect on him. We see his external struggles, but his internal struggles are slim to none. Simply put, he reads like a sociopath. Something to keep in mind is that even if Travis wants to take charge of his life and be responsible, his upbringing would suggest that he doesn't actually know what that means. Therefore, in terms of his character arc, consider incorporating more of his internal struggles over the course of the story - learning about responsibility, repercussions for his actions, and so on.
Although the script is brimming with comic moments, the story structure is loose and the pace lags. This is due in large part to the protagonist's characterizations as mentioned above. Character aside, there are also a lot of scenes that are uniquely comedic but they repeat previous plot points.
The decsriptions are clearly stated but lack voice. When revising, consider minor alterations that will accompany the tone of the script. On that note, the tone is very strong and presented well through most of the dialogue - though about a quarter of the lines are too on-the-nose. Formatting needs work.
Premise - 7
Characterization - 6
Conflict - 6
Structure - 6
Dialogue - 8
Pacing - 6
Theme - 5
Tone - 9
Story/Plot Points - 6
Catharsis - 6
Voice/Originality - 7
Commercial Appeal - 7
Current Market Potential - 7
Casting Potential - 8
Format - 6
