***Capital Fund Screenplay Competition's Hot 100 for 2016***
#52
Fall 2021: Another re-write complete
Logline:
A silver-spooned millennial is forced out of his luxurious lifestyle, after his frustrated parents lock up the family home and leave town. Travis must navigate reality outside the mansion with help from a familiar working class couple.
Synopsis:
After failing to stay at his girlfriend Stella's house, Travis finds shelter with his best friend Chazz, a working class man. That situation would be ideal were it not for Chazz's girlfriend Imelda, a working class woman who resents Travis because he parties too much with Chazz, keeping him from working at the restaurant that employs he and Imelda.
She begrudgingly allows Travis to live with them, laying down strict rules, the most important rule, get a job. In his own way, Travis makes an effort to find a job, but ultimately does not. Chazz suggests that he and Imelda help him get his first job at the age of twenty-four. Imelda agrees, hoping it will get Travis out of their house. Realizing he has to turn his life around, Travis becomes the student.
Unbeknownst to Chazz and Imelda, Travis learns he is driving them into debt. Lamenting that, he is told of an unorthodox way to make some quick cash. With that cash he more than replenishes the food he ate, and cooks them a dinner . During dinner, he unfortunately blurts out a secret Chazz was keeping from Imelda, which puts a strain on their relationship.
Travis finally gets a job at the restaurant. Upon his parents return, he takes his father up on an offer he made to him when he was sixteen. He uses that job to try and win Stella back and help other people.
SCRIPT REVIEW
WE SCREENPLAY: Screenwriting Contest: December 13, 2021
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY C o m e d y F e a t u r e 1 1 0 P a g e s by James M. Denton
We Screenplay proudly uses Coverfly, an online platform that connects writers, readers, and the industry.
WHAT IS ONE TOP ASPECT OF THE SCRIPT THAT IS REALLY WORKING?
Concept HIGHLIGHTED STRENGTH While at first glance the premise may come across as simple and straightforward as we follow a spoiled and self-entitled man forced to learn how to live without his family’s wealth and privilege, “Life is Not Always Easy” brings a nuanced and endearing character-driven story that is fueled by our protagonist and his emotional journey of learning to take life seriously through hard work and effort. The writer does a solid job of immersing the reader into Travis’s life as we get to see his inception and how exactly he became the way he is with the whole cheeky “silver spoon” moment.
The opener quickly gets us into the story and establishes the key elements of Travis’s upbringing and his parents’ desire to help Travis through some tough love. The objective and conflict are clear as it helps keep the story moving with a sense of direction and purpose, and the themes the feature resonates with are things that any reader can get behind. Moments like Travis hilariously “working” at the sperm bank to the constant conflict created with having Chazz, Travis, and Imelda living under one roof, the writer showcases their unique voice well.
WHAT IS ONE ASPECT OF THE SCRIPT THAT COULD BE FURTHER DEVELOPED OR CLARIFIED? Structure AREA OF POTENTIAL IMPROVEMENT
Where there is room for improvement is in the feature’s structure and plot as though we do a good job of establishing the status quo of our concept, there is a clear lack of tension and urgency to truly keep readers engaged and invested throughout. Even though we have plenty of conflict, there’s not enough weight behind it because the stakes aren’t palpable for Travis in terms of what he stands to lose. We bring him down to rock bottom when his parents cut him off but the safety net of having Chazz really makes it hard for him to truly fail and feel the pressure of having nothing and no skills to back it up. I know we separate them near the end and then Travis finally takes some initiative and gets a job but we need more of this earlier on as the more adversity Travis overcomes throughout the story, the more rewarding and satisfying his character growth will be at the end. Don’t be afraid to pile on the obstacles and conflict as perhaps his stakes can be his status and reputation because now without the money, no one treats him the same except for his close friend in Chazz. Anything to help create a stronger sense of tension and variety with Travis’s objective as it can sometimes feel like we’re replaying the same moments with Chazz and Imelda trying to help Travis but Travis looking for the easy way out.
Another big thing is Travis and Stella’s relationship as the way it falls apart because of Stacy felt rather contrived because Stacy shows up for one scene and only for this sole purpose. Let Travis be more of a player and due to his spoiled and entitled nature, he doesn’t take blame or fault for women throwing themselves at him. He uses excuses and Stella is tired of hearing them so she kicks him out. Making this whole plot point more organic and natural will go a long way in helping the story.
FINAL THOUGHTS The potential is here with the concept and writer’s voice leading the way as we have a decent foundation to work off of; however, we can tighten up the plot and structure by injecting more tension and stakes while also hammering out Stella and Travis’s relationship in order to really push this piece over the top.
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SCRIPT REVIEW
On February 6, 2016, I entered "Life Is Not Always Easy" in to the Nashville Live Read Screenplay Competition. Below is the contest evaluation.
Log line/Synopsis:
After twenty-four years of spoiling and coddling, a wealthy couple cuts off their son in a desperate attempt to force him in to responsible adulthood.
Score: 1
100 out of 150
Feedback:
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY is a uniquely comedic script with a solid premise. Travis is a peculiar, interesting character with many negative qualities - selfish and spoiled, primarily - though he's presented with such a genuine, child-like naivete ( ny eve a tay) that it makes it impossible for the audience to dislike him. He's truly a result of his upbringing; we believe that it's not his fault he's this way, and at his core, he's actually very responsible. That being said, Travis's unwillingness to take charge of his life means the high stakes situations he's put in over the course of the story never seem to have much of an effect on him. We see his external struggles, but his internal struggles are slim to none. Simply put, he reads like a sociopath. Something to keep in mind is that even if Travis wants to take charge of his life and be responsible, his upbringing would suggest that he doesn't actually know what that means. Therefore, in terms of his character arc, consider incorporating more of his internal struggles over the course of the story - learning about responsibility, repercussions for his actions, and so on.
Although the script is brimming with comic moments, the story structure is loose and the pace lags. This is due in large part to the protagonist's characterizations as mentioned above. Character aside, there are also a lot of scenes that are uniquely comedic but they repeat previous plot points.
The descriptions are clearly stated but lack voice. When revising, consider minor alterations that will accompany the tone of the script. On that note, the tone is very strong and presented well through most of the dialogue - though about a quarter of the lines are too on-the-nose. Formatting needs work.
Premise - 7
Characterization - 6
Conflict - 6
Structure - 6
Dialogue - 8
Pacing - 6
Theme - 5
Tone - 9
Story/Plot Points - 6
Catharsis - 6
Voice/Originality - 7
Commercial Appeal - 7
Current Market Potential - 7
Casting Potential - 8
Format - 6
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SCRIPT REVIEW
In the spring of 2015, I submitted my original comedy script "Life Is Not Always Easy" to the Pannon Entertainment Script Search screen writing competition and got some excellent feedback, Here are the comments in their entirety.
Logline
"When a silver-spooned, over-privileged 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets."
Locations:
Hospital, Mansion, Therapist Office, Nightclub, Gas Station, Diner, Prison, Apartment Building, Sperm Bank, Health Club, House & Restaurant.
Script Reader Notes
A witty and engaging screwball comedy with a perfectly comedic conceit that finds itself adequately character-driven if not slightly too linear.
Scale 1 – 10
1 the lowest and 10 the highest scoring
Concept
A great fish out of water conceit that resurrects memories of young Adam Sandler films of the 90's. Also, it ingeniously capitalizes on the 99 vs. 1% Occupy Wall Street movements and zeitgeist that has pervaded American society over the past few years. Score: 9
Plot
While the plot was well conceived in terms of the downward spiral and eventual resurrection of its protagonist, the story felt slightly too linear in its storytelling and lacked any truly substantive subplots that would help to make the script feel a little bit broader in scope. What might be missing, as well, is a more clearly defined goal for the protagonist to be chasing after throughout the script. Score: 8
Pacing
While the scenes were written with a fast paced read in mind, even intercutting dream sequences that kept the reader on their toes… some sequences went on a bit too long (e.g., the intern chase sequence) and devolved into an absurdist comedy that, since not prevalent throughout the script, gave the read a slightly choppy feel at times. Working in some deeper, genuinely dramatic moments might allow the comedy some room to breathe and a stronger foundation in character. Score: 8
Characters
Bordering on absurdist, the characters seemed to lack enough real moments to truly connect to them. Additionally, the script seemed to lack a real antagonist that would help to create obstacles and conflict with the protagonist. Score: 7
Dialogue
Witty dialogue with characters imbued with their own voices helped to make this script move at an easy and engaging clip. Score: 9
Writing Style
Though at times filled with some overly large blocks of narrative, as a whole, the narrative was imbued with wit and charm that helped the script’s read fly by and complimented the comedic tone of the plot. Score: 8
Originality
An original plot with original characters which, cumulatively, culminated in an originally comedic tone. Score: 8
Marketability
Witty original comedies always have potential box office draw. Certainly geared towards lovers of early Adam Sandler-esque comedies, this script is clearly set to reach late teens/ 20- something audiences. Score: 8
Adherence to Company Request
A witty comedy driven by an eccentrically quirky, overprivileged protagonist thrust into the real world certainly fits the bill for “characters with unique personalities” and “unusual characters placed into a very familiar world”. Score: 9
83 out of 100
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#52
Fall 2021: Another re-write complete
Logline:
A silver-spooned millennial is forced out of his luxurious lifestyle, after his frustrated parents lock up the family home and leave town. Travis must navigate reality outside the mansion with help from a familiar working class couple.
Synopsis:
After failing to stay at his girlfriend Stella's house, Travis finds shelter with his best friend Chazz, a working class man. That situation would be ideal were it not for Chazz's girlfriend Imelda, a working class woman who resents Travis because he parties too much with Chazz, keeping him from working at the restaurant that employs he and Imelda.
She begrudgingly allows Travis to live with them, laying down strict rules, the most important rule, get a job. In his own way, Travis makes an effort to find a job, but ultimately does not. Chazz suggests that he and Imelda help him get his first job at the age of twenty-four. Imelda agrees, hoping it will get Travis out of their house. Realizing he has to turn his life around, Travis becomes the student.
Unbeknownst to Chazz and Imelda, Travis learns he is driving them into debt. Lamenting that, he is told of an unorthodox way to make some quick cash. With that cash he more than replenishes the food he ate, and cooks them a dinner . During dinner, he unfortunately blurts out a secret Chazz was keeping from Imelda, which puts a strain on their relationship.
Travis finally gets a job at the restaurant. Upon his parents return, he takes his father up on an offer he made to him when he was sixteen. He uses that job to try and win Stella back and help other people.
SCRIPT REVIEW
WE SCREENPLAY: Screenwriting Contest: December 13, 2021
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY C o m e d y F e a t u r e 1 1 0 P a g e s by James M. Denton
We Screenplay proudly uses Coverfly, an online platform that connects writers, readers, and the industry.
WHAT IS ONE TOP ASPECT OF THE SCRIPT THAT IS REALLY WORKING?
Concept HIGHLIGHTED STRENGTH While at first glance the premise may come across as simple and straightforward as we follow a spoiled and self-entitled man forced to learn how to live without his family’s wealth and privilege, “Life is Not Always Easy” brings a nuanced and endearing character-driven story that is fueled by our protagonist and his emotional journey of learning to take life seriously through hard work and effort. The writer does a solid job of immersing the reader into Travis’s life as we get to see his inception and how exactly he became the way he is with the whole cheeky “silver spoon” moment.
The opener quickly gets us into the story and establishes the key elements of Travis’s upbringing and his parents’ desire to help Travis through some tough love. The objective and conflict are clear as it helps keep the story moving with a sense of direction and purpose, and the themes the feature resonates with are things that any reader can get behind. Moments like Travis hilariously “working” at the sperm bank to the constant conflict created with having Chazz, Travis, and Imelda living under one roof, the writer showcases their unique voice well.
WHAT IS ONE ASPECT OF THE SCRIPT THAT COULD BE FURTHER DEVELOPED OR CLARIFIED? Structure AREA OF POTENTIAL IMPROVEMENT
Where there is room for improvement is in the feature’s structure and plot as though we do a good job of establishing the status quo of our concept, there is a clear lack of tension and urgency to truly keep readers engaged and invested throughout. Even though we have plenty of conflict, there’s not enough weight behind it because the stakes aren’t palpable for Travis in terms of what he stands to lose. We bring him down to rock bottom when his parents cut him off but the safety net of having Chazz really makes it hard for him to truly fail and feel the pressure of having nothing and no skills to back it up. I know we separate them near the end and then Travis finally takes some initiative and gets a job but we need more of this earlier on as the more adversity Travis overcomes throughout the story, the more rewarding and satisfying his character growth will be at the end. Don’t be afraid to pile on the obstacles and conflict as perhaps his stakes can be his status and reputation because now without the money, no one treats him the same except for his close friend in Chazz. Anything to help create a stronger sense of tension and variety with Travis’s objective as it can sometimes feel like we’re replaying the same moments with Chazz and Imelda trying to help Travis but Travis looking for the easy way out.
Another big thing is Travis and Stella’s relationship as the way it falls apart because of Stacy felt rather contrived because Stacy shows up for one scene and only for this sole purpose. Let Travis be more of a player and due to his spoiled and entitled nature, he doesn’t take blame or fault for women throwing themselves at him. He uses excuses and Stella is tired of hearing them so she kicks him out. Making this whole plot point more organic and natural will go a long way in helping the story.
FINAL THOUGHTS The potential is here with the concept and writer’s voice leading the way as we have a decent foundation to work off of; however, we can tighten up the plot and structure by injecting more tension and stakes while also hammering out Stella and Travis’s relationship in order to really push this piece over the top.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCRIPT REVIEW
On February 6, 2016, I entered "Life Is Not Always Easy" in to the Nashville Live Read Screenplay Competition. Below is the contest evaluation.
Log line/Synopsis:
After twenty-four years of spoiling and coddling, a wealthy couple cuts off their son in a desperate attempt to force him in to responsible adulthood.
Score: 1
100 out of 150
Feedback:
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY is a uniquely comedic script with a solid premise. Travis is a peculiar, interesting character with many negative qualities - selfish and spoiled, primarily - though he's presented with such a genuine, child-like naivete ( ny eve a tay) that it makes it impossible for the audience to dislike him. He's truly a result of his upbringing; we believe that it's not his fault he's this way, and at his core, he's actually very responsible. That being said, Travis's unwillingness to take charge of his life means the high stakes situations he's put in over the course of the story never seem to have much of an effect on him. We see his external struggles, but his internal struggles are slim to none. Simply put, he reads like a sociopath. Something to keep in mind is that even if Travis wants to take charge of his life and be responsible, his upbringing would suggest that he doesn't actually know what that means. Therefore, in terms of his character arc, consider incorporating more of his internal struggles over the course of the story - learning about responsibility, repercussions for his actions, and so on.
Although the script is brimming with comic moments, the story structure is loose and the pace lags. This is due in large part to the protagonist's characterizations as mentioned above. Character aside, there are also a lot of scenes that are uniquely comedic but they repeat previous plot points.
The descriptions are clearly stated but lack voice. When revising, consider minor alterations that will accompany the tone of the script. On that note, the tone is very strong and presented well through most of the dialogue - though about a quarter of the lines are too on-the-nose. Formatting needs work.
Premise - 7
Characterization - 6
Conflict - 6
Structure - 6
Dialogue - 8
Pacing - 6
Theme - 5
Tone - 9
Story/Plot Points - 6
Catharsis - 6
Voice/Originality - 7
Commercial Appeal - 7
Current Market Potential - 7
Casting Potential - 8
Format - 6
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCRIPT REVIEW
In the spring of 2015, I submitted my original comedy script "Life Is Not Always Easy" to the Pannon Entertainment Script Search screen writing competition and got some excellent feedback, Here are the comments in their entirety.
Logline
"When a silver-spooned, over-privileged 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets."
Locations:
Hospital, Mansion, Therapist Office, Nightclub, Gas Station, Diner, Prison, Apartment Building, Sperm Bank, Health Club, House & Restaurant.
Script Reader Notes
A witty and engaging screwball comedy with a perfectly comedic conceit that finds itself adequately character-driven if not slightly too linear.
Scale 1 – 10
1 the lowest and 10 the highest scoring
Concept
A great fish out of water conceit that resurrects memories of young Adam Sandler films of the 90's. Also, it ingeniously capitalizes on the 99 vs. 1% Occupy Wall Street movements and zeitgeist that has pervaded American society over the past few years. Score: 9
Plot
While the plot was well conceived in terms of the downward spiral and eventual resurrection of its protagonist, the story felt slightly too linear in its storytelling and lacked any truly substantive subplots that would help to make the script feel a little bit broader in scope. What might be missing, as well, is a more clearly defined goal for the protagonist to be chasing after throughout the script. Score: 8
Pacing
While the scenes were written with a fast paced read in mind, even intercutting dream sequences that kept the reader on their toes… some sequences went on a bit too long (e.g., the intern chase sequence) and devolved into an absurdist comedy that, since not prevalent throughout the script, gave the read a slightly choppy feel at times. Working in some deeper, genuinely dramatic moments might allow the comedy some room to breathe and a stronger foundation in character. Score: 8
Characters
Bordering on absurdist, the characters seemed to lack enough real moments to truly connect to them. Additionally, the script seemed to lack a real antagonist that would help to create obstacles and conflict with the protagonist. Score: 7
Dialogue
Witty dialogue with characters imbued with their own voices helped to make this script move at an easy and engaging clip. Score: 9
Writing Style
Though at times filled with some overly large blocks of narrative, as a whole, the narrative was imbued with wit and charm that helped the script’s read fly by and complimented the comedic tone of the plot. Score: 8
Originality
An original plot with original characters which, cumulatively, culminated in an originally comedic tone. Score: 8
Marketability
Witty original comedies always have potential box office draw. Certainly geared towards lovers of early Adam Sandler-esque comedies, this script is clearly set to reach late teens/ 20- something audiences. Score: 8
Adherence to Company Request
A witty comedy driven by an eccentrically quirky, overprivileged protagonist thrust into the real world certainly fits the bill for “characters with unique personalities” and “unusual characters placed into a very familiar world”. Score: 9
83 out of 100
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