***Capital Fund Screenplay Competition's Hot 100 for 2016***
#52
Logline: When a silver-spooned, over-privileged, 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the harsh realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets.
Synopsis:
The Kingsley limousine races down a street in South Lake Tahoe, towards the hospital. Mrs. Kingsley is in the back with Mr. Kingsley about to give birth. Doctors and nurses rush her in to the Kingsley Wing of the hospital. Mrs. Kingsley gives birth to Travis, a smiling, happy baby that gleefully slides out of the womb.
A few months of happy baby Travis is suddenly replaced by crying baby Travis. Mr. & Mrs. Kingsley go to great lengths to stop the crying. In a fit of desperation, Mrs. Kingsley grabs a silver spoon from her wall mounted collection of spoons, this appeases Travis.
Twenty four years later in one of their weekly therapy appointments, Mr. & Mrs. Kingsley realize it was that silver spoon that started Travis’ sense of entitlement. Their therapist, Doctor Damon Freuden blames Mr. & Mrs. Kingsley, calling them “enablers” and suggests they kick Travis out of his comfort zone. Doctor Freuden’s calm Austrian accent is sometimes replaced by his angry German accent in the same conversation.
Travis, a charismatic, smooth talker foils his parents attempt at an intervention by deluging them with a barrage of verbal niceties. He leaves them no choice. Travis comes home one morning after another night of partying at his favorite nightclub to find the mansion locked up and his parents gone.
Travis initially seeks refuge at Stella’s house, his girl of the moment he’s been dating. Here we meet “Anti Grandma”, Stella’s very untraditional grandmother. His stay at Stella’s house is fleeting when he calls out the wrong name at a moment of intimacy. Stella and Anti Grandma don’t react well.
Travis is arrested after breaking in to the locked mansion and bailed out by Chazz Cortland, his working class best friend. One of Chazz’s jobs is at a restaurant.
Chazz helps Travis as he begins his quest to track down his parents, this leads them to a downtown office building where Kingsley Capital is located. Travis confronts an Intern holding the last box of paperwork from the now closed office. This leads to a hilarious chase sequence that ends in a health club.
After failing to capture the Intern, Travis assumes that he could stay with Chazz. Both must convince Chazz’s girlfriend Imelda Mayflower to allow it. Imelda despises Travis for his carefree lifestyle and the bad influence he is on Chazz’s work ethic. Imelda begrudgingly allows it, laying down a series of ground rules.
In an effort to speed up Travis’ departure from their house, Chazz and Imelda help Travis practice interviewing and help him write a resume.
Travis proves to be a drain on Chazz and Imelda’s relationship, after Travis blurts out that Chazz bailed him out of jail, something he didn’t tell Imelda. Despite replenishing all the food he’s eaten, paid for by a huge deposit at a sperm bank, Travis is kicked out of Chazz and Imelda’s house.
Travis briefly ends up living inside a large, hallowed out whale in front of a children’s museum until he is spotted half naked on top of the whale, bathing in the periodic water shot out of its blowhole.
Travis desperately seeks a new abode while being followed by a CIA Guy, hired by his parents to keep tabs on him. He ends up living and working at his favorite nightclub, a place he use to rule.
After his disastrous debut as a server, Travis reads the book “Serving for Dummies” given to him by the Nightclub Manager. Travis eventually masters the serving business, earning enough money to move in to a hotel, coincidentally right next door to the CIA Guy.
The CIA Guy leaves the hotel in great haste, dropping a sheet a paper which has Mr. & Mrs. Kingsley new address in San Antonio for the CIA Guy to submit his expenses related to following Travis.
Now knowing where is parents went, Travis is foiled by not enough money or time off to go there. Travis secures a second job at the same restaurant Chazz works at only to earn the money and plot the miles it’ll take to reach San Antonio and return to his carefree lifestyle.
While Travis and Chazz are talking at the restaurant, Imelda walks in and is pleased to hear that Travis now has two jobs, but she’s disgusted when she learns why.
Imelda tempts Travis with a check, enough for a one way ticket to San Antonio. Chazz urges him not to take it, Imelda demands he take it. Ultimately Travis does not accept the check.
A few months later he awakes in his own apartment, writing out his rent check, while on the way to the restaurant.
At this point Mr. and Mrs. Kingsley have returned, satisfied that Travis has learned how to navigate the real world. Travis leaves work early one day to help his father with yard work, something Mr. Kingsley always tried to get him to help with as a child. Travis is upset when he sees a “Sold” sign on the front lawn of the mansion, his parents are moving to San Antonio and invite Travis to visit anytime.
After his conversation with his parents he attempts to win back Stella’s heart through song and dance at her workplace.
One last dinner at the mansion with The Kingsley’s, Chazz, Imelda, Anti Grandma, Doctor Damon Freuden, and the Intern advances their stories.
SCRIPT REVIEW
In the spring of 2015, I submitted my orginal comedy script "Life Is Not Always Easy" to the Pannon Entertainment Script Search screen writing competition and got some excellent feedback, Here are the comments in their entirety.
Logline
"When a silver-spooned, over-privileged 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets."
Locations:
Hospital, Mansion, Therapist Office, Nightclub, Gas Station, Diner, Prison, Apartment Building, Sperm Bank, Health Club, House & Restaurant.
Script Reader Notes
A witty and engaging screwball comedy with a perfectly comedic conceit that finds itself adequately character-driven if not slightly too linear.
Scale 1 – 10
1 the lowest and 10 the highest scoring
Concept
A great fish out of water conceit that resurrects memories of young Adam Sandler films of the 90's. Also, it ingeniously capitalizes on the 99 vs. 1% Occupy Wall Street movements and zeitgeist that has pervaded American society over the past few years. Score: 9
Plot
While the plot was well conceived in terms of the downward spiral and eventual resurrection of its protagonist, the story felt slightly too linear in its storytelling and lacked any truly substantive subplots that would help to make the script feel a little bit broader in scope. What might be missing, as well, is a more clearly defined goal for the protagonist to be chasing after throughout the script. Score: 8
Pacing
While the scenes were written with a fast paced read in mind, even intercutting dream sequences that kept the reader on their toes… some sequences went on a bit too long (e.g., the intern chase sequence) and devolved into an absurdist comedy that, since not prevalent throughout the script, gave the read a slightly choppy feel at times. Working in some deeper, genuinely dramatic moments might allow the comedy some room to breathe and a stronger foundation in character. Score: 8
Characters
Bordering on absurdist, the characters seemed to lack enough real moments to truly connect to them. Additionally, the script seemed to lack a real antagonist that would help to create obstacles and conflict with the protagonist. Score: 7
Dialogue
Witty dialogue with characters imbued with their own voices helped to make this script move at an easy and engaging clip. Score: 9
Writing Style
Though at times filled with some overly large blocks of narrative, as a whole, the narrative was imbued with wit and charm that helped the script’s read fly by and complimented the comedic tone of the plot. Score: 8
Originality
An original plot with original characters which, cumulatively, culminated in an originally comedic tone. Score: 8
Marketability
Witty original comedies always have potential box office draw. Certainly geared towards lovers of early Adam Sandler-esque comedies, this script is clearly set to reach late teens/ 20- something audiences. Score: 8
Adherence to Company Request
A witty comedy driven by an eccentrically quirky, overprivileged protagonist thrust into the real world certainly fits the bill for “characters with unique personalities” and “unusual characters placed into a very familiar world”. Score: 9
83 out of 100
SCRIPT REVIEW
On February 6, 2016, I entered "Life Is Not Always Easy" in to the Nashville Live Read Screenplay Competition. Below is the contest evaluation.
Log line/Synopsis:
After twenty-four years of spoiling and coddling, a wealthy couple cuts off their son in a desperate attempt to force him in to responsible adulthood.
Score: 1
100 out of 150
Feedback:
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY is a uniquely comedic script with a solid premise. Travis is a peculiar, interesting character with many negative qualities - selfish and spoiled, primarily - though he's presented with such a genuine, child-like naivete ( ny eve a tay) that it makes it impossible for the audience to dislike him. He's truly a result of his upbringing; we believe that it's not his fault he's this way, and at his core, he's actually very responsible. That being said, Travis's unwillingness to take charge of his life means the high stakes situations he's put in over the course of the story never seem to have much of an effect on him. We see his external struggles, but his internal struggles are slim to none. Simply put, he reads like a sociopath. Something to keep in mind is that even if Travis wants to take charge of his life and be responsible, his upbringing would suggest that he doesn't actually know what that means. Therefore, in terms of his character arc, consider incorporating more of his internal struggles over the course og the story - learning about responsibility, repercussions for his actions, and so on.
Although the script is brimming with comic moments, the story structure is loose and the pace lags. This is due in lage part to the protagonist's characterizations as mentioned above. Character aside, there are also a lot of scenes that are uniquely comedic but they repeat previous plot points.
The decsriptions are clearly stated but lack voice. When revising, consider minor alterations that will accompany the tone of the script. On that note, the tone is very strong and presented well through most of the dialogue - though about a quarter of the lines are too on-the-nose. Formatting needs work.
Premise - 7
Characterization - 6
Conflict - 6
Structure - 6
Dialogue - 8
Pacing - 6
Theme - 5
Tone - 9
Story/Plot Points - 6
Catharsis - 6
Voice/Originality - 7
Commercial Appeal - 7
Current Market Potential - 7
Casting Potential - 8
Format - 6
#52
Logline: When a silver-spooned, over-privileged, 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the harsh realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets.
Synopsis:
The Kingsley limousine races down a street in South Lake Tahoe, towards the hospital. Mrs. Kingsley is in the back with Mr. Kingsley about to give birth. Doctors and nurses rush her in to the Kingsley Wing of the hospital. Mrs. Kingsley gives birth to Travis, a smiling, happy baby that gleefully slides out of the womb.
A few months of happy baby Travis is suddenly replaced by crying baby Travis. Mr. & Mrs. Kingsley go to great lengths to stop the crying. In a fit of desperation, Mrs. Kingsley grabs a silver spoon from her wall mounted collection of spoons, this appeases Travis.
Twenty four years later in one of their weekly therapy appointments, Mr. & Mrs. Kingsley realize it was that silver spoon that started Travis’ sense of entitlement. Their therapist, Doctor Damon Freuden blames Mr. & Mrs. Kingsley, calling them “enablers” and suggests they kick Travis out of his comfort zone. Doctor Freuden’s calm Austrian accent is sometimes replaced by his angry German accent in the same conversation.
Travis, a charismatic, smooth talker foils his parents attempt at an intervention by deluging them with a barrage of verbal niceties. He leaves them no choice. Travis comes home one morning after another night of partying at his favorite nightclub to find the mansion locked up and his parents gone.
Travis initially seeks refuge at Stella’s house, his girl of the moment he’s been dating. Here we meet “Anti Grandma”, Stella’s very untraditional grandmother. His stay at Stella’s house is fleeting when he calls out the wrong name at a moment of intimacy. Stella and Anti Grandma don’t react well.
Travis is arrested after breaking in to the locked mansion and bailed out by Chazz Cortland, his working class best friend. One of Chazz’s jobs is at a restaurant.
Chazz helps Travis as he begins his quest to track down his parents, this leads them to a downtown office building where Kingsley Capital is located. Travis confronts an Intern holding the last box of paperwork from the now closed office. This leads to a hilarious chase sequence that ends in a health club.
After failing to capture the Intern, Travis assumes that he could stay with Chazz. Both must convince Chazz’s girlfriend Imelda Mayflower to allow it. Imelda despises Travis for his carefree lifestyle and the bad influence he is on Chazz’s work ethic. Imelda begrudgingly allows it, laying down a series of ground rules.
In an effort to speed up Travis’ departure from their house, Chazz and Imelda help Travis practice interviewing and help him write a resume.
Travis proves to be a drain on Chazz and Imelda’s relationship, after Travis blurts out that Chazz bailed him out of jail, something he didn’t tell Imelda. Despite replenishing all the food he’s eaten, paid for by a huge deposit at a sperm bank, Travis is kicked out of Chazz and Imelda’s house.
Travis briefly ends up living inside a large, hallowed out whale in front of a children’s museum until he is spotted half naked on top of the whale, bathing in the periodic water shot out of its blowhole.
Travis desperately seeks a new abode while being followed by a CIA Guy, hired by his parents to keep tabs on him. He ends up living and working at his favorite nightclub, a place he use to rule.
After his disastrous debut as a server, Travis reads the book “Serving for Dummies” given to him by the Nightclub Manager. Travis eventually masters the serving business, earning enough money to move in to a hotel, coincidentally right next door to the CIA Guy.
The CIA Guy leaves the hotel in great haste, dropping a sheet a paper which has Mr. & Mrs. Kingsley new address in San Antonio for the CIA Guy to submit his expenses related to following Travis.
Now knowing where is parents went, Travis is foiled by not enough money or time off to go there. Travis secures a second job at the same restaurant Chazz works at only to earn the money and plot the miles it’ll take to reach San Antonio and return to his carefree lifestyle.
While Travis and Chazz are talking at the restaurant, Imelda walks in and is pleased to hear that Travis now has two jobs, but she’s disgusted when she learns why.
Imelda tempts Travis with a check, enough for a one way ticket to San Antonio. Chazz urges him not to take it, Imelda demands he take it. Ultimately Travis does not accept the check.
A few months later he awakes in his own apartment, writing out his rent check, while on the way to the restaurant.
At this point Mr. and Mrs. Kingsley have returned, satisfied that Travis has learned how to navigate the real world. Travis leaves work early one day to help his father with yard work, something Mr. Kingsley always tried to get him to help with as a child. Travis is upset when he sees a “Sold” sign on the front lawn of the mansion, his parents are moving to San Antonio and invite Travis to visit anytime.
After his conversation with his parents he attempts to win back Stella’s heart through song and dance at her workplace.
One last dinner at the mansion with The Kingsley’s, Chazz, Imelda, Anti Grandma, Doctor Damon Freuden, and the Intern advances their stories.
SCRIPT REVIEW
In the spring of 2015, I submitted my orginal comedy script "Life Is Not Always Easy" to the Pannon Entertainment Script Search screen writing competition and got some excellent feedback, Here are the comments in their entirety.
Logline
"When a silver-spooned, over-privileged 20-something's parents suddenly leave him to his own devices, Travis faces a crash course on the realities of life along his path from the mansion to the streets."
Locations:
Hospital, Mansion, Therapist Office, Nightclub, Gas Station, Diner, Prison, Apartment Building, Sperm Bank, Health Club, House & Restaurant.
Script Reader Notes
A witty and engaging screwball comedy with a perfectly comedic conceit that finds itself adequately character-driven if not slightly too linear.
Scale 1 – 10
1 the lowest and 10 the highest scoring
Concept
A great fish out of water conceit that resurrects memories of young Adam Sandler films of the 90's. Also, it ingeniously capitalizes on the 99 vs. 1% Occupy Wall Street movements and zeitgeist that has pervaded American society over the past few years. Score: 9
Plot
While the plot was well conceived in terms of the downward spiral and eventual resurrection of its protagonist, the story felt slightly too linear in its storytelling and lacked any truly substantive subplots that would help to make the script feel a little bit broader in scope. What might be missing, as well, is a more clearly defined goal for the protagonist to be chasing after throughout the script. Score: 8
Pacing
While the scenes were written with a fast paced read in mind, even intercutting dream sequences that kept the reader on their toes… some sequences went on a bit too long (e.g., the intern chase sequence) and devolved into an absurdist comedy that, since not prevalent throughout the script, gave the read a slightly choppy feel at times. Working in some deeper, genuinely dramatic moments might allow the comedy some room to breathe and a stronger foundation in character. Score: 8
Characters
Bordering on absurdist, the characters seemed to lack enough real moments to truly connect to them. Additionally, the script seemed to lack a real antagonist that would help to create obstacles and conflict with the protagonist. Score: 7
Dialogue
Witty dialogue with characters imbued with their own voices helped to make this script move at an easy and engaging clip. Score: 9
Writing Style
Though at times filled with some overly large blocks of narrative, as a whole, the narrative was imbued with wit and charm that helped the script’s read fly by and complimented the comedic tone of the plot. Score: 8
Originality
An original plot with original characters which, cumulatively, culminated in an originally comedic tone. Score: 8
Marketability
Witty original comedies always have potential box office draw. Certainly geared towards lovers of early Adam Sandler-esque comedies, this script is clearly set to reach late teens/ 20- something audiences. Score: 8
Adherence to Company Request
A witty comedy driven by an eccentrically quirky, overprivileged protagonist thrust into the real world certainly fits the bill for “characters with unique personalities” and “unusual characters placed into a very familiar world”. Score: 9
83 out of 100
SCRIPT REVIEW
On February 6, 2016, I entered "Life Is Not Always Easy" in to the Nashville Live Read Screenplay Competition. Below is the contest evaluation.
Log line/Synopsis:
After twenty-four years of spoiling and coddling, a wealthy couple cuts off their son in a desperate attempt to force him in to responsible adulthood.
Score: 1
100 out of 150
Feedback:
LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS EASY is a uniquely comedic script with a solid premise. Travis is a peculiar, interesting character with many negative qualities - selfish and spoiled, primarily - though he's presented with such a genuine, child-like naivete ( ny eve a tay) that it makes it impossible for the audience to dislike him. He's truly a result of his upbringing; we believe that it's not his fault he's this way, and at his core, he's actually very responsible. That being said, Travis's unwillingness to take charge of his life means the high stakes situations he's put in over the course of the story never seem to have much of an effect on him. We see his external struggles, but his internal struggles are slim to none. Simply put, he reads like a sociopath. Something to keep in mind is that even if Travis wants to take charge of his life and be responsible, his upbringing would suggest that he doesn't actually know what that means. Therefore, in terms of his character arc, consider incorporating more of his internal struggles over the course og the story - learning about responsibility, repercussions for his actions, and so on.
Although the script is brimming with comic moments, the story structure is loose and the pace lags. This is due in lage part to the protagonist's characterizations as mentioned above. Character aside, there are also a lot of scenes that are uniquely comedic but they repeat previous plot points.
The decsriptions are clearly stated but lack voice. When revising, consider minor alterations that will accompany the tone of the script. On that note, the tone is very strong and presented well through most of the dialogue - though about a quarter of the lines are too on-the-nose. Formatting needs work.
Premise - 7
Characterization - 6
Conflict - 6
Structure - 6
Dialogue - 8
Pacing - 6
Theme - 5
Tone - 9
Story/Plot Points - 6
Catharsis - 6
Voice/Originality - 7
Commercial Appeal - 7
Current Market Potential - 7
Casting Potential - 8
Format - 6
